Actually, I’m over that 6 month mark by a bit.  Here’s to a half year.

I have an admission.  I often fall

face first into her romantic relationships.  This happens, mostly because I feel like a half-a-human when I’m alone.  This is the dried corn-husk of my feeble self-interest not knowing how to survive without co-dependency.  Thank you mom.

With another, I can make plans for a future.  A future that, when I’m alone, feels inhospitable and unlikely.

It’s easier to see a future through the complex kaleidescope of someone else.  Maybe that is what has made me so scary to those around me.  Maybe despite all my attempts at being a horse, I’m really a wagon.

This horse/wagon metaphor is maybe my favorite thing to come out of the last week.

Let me explain.

Ro and I were talking about arcades.  I went out with this guy, Mike, a few times in my early 20s.  One of those dates was to the arcade.  He was a really sweet guy from what I could tell.  But, have you ever met someone who feels as if they are lacking internal fire?  Someone who only sparks the most tepid of passionate debates?

Poor Mike, because of his milquetoast personality, I never even gave him a shot.  Hell, I don’t even really know if his name is Mike.  Mike, to me, was very clearly a wagon.  I’ve met a few of these folks over the years, who rely upon others for prodding, ambition and really to be the drive.

I’m not a Clydesdale when it comes to ambition and goals by any means, but I dislike being useless and stationary.

I consider myself a horse.  I am someone who wants things, even if they terrify me, even if those things are ones that I barely have a shot at getting or that I may not understand.  I want.  I work at what I want.  I like improving and being better.

Some people are wagons and it seems to suit the.  Fine.  Go ahead, be who you are.  It just doesn’t work for me.  I don’t want to be the one doing what we now call emotional labor over planning and futures.

That is because maybe it’s easier for me to be a horse when I am next to a horse.  When we can team pull each other’s goals for the “us.”

There was a period of time, where H featured prominently, and where I felt suffocated and stagnant.  I was a wagon, next to a wagon.  It felt okay at first, but my growth professionally and personally basically ceased.  I became a wagon, without a horse.

There is a reason why there are endings.

Is Ro a horse?  I think so.  I’m just not sure he has ever team pulled.  He’s had a wagon of his own, from the stories he tells, but team pull?  I dunno how well we can do together, if we will eventually get cozy and fall into pace.

Work is crazy and the end of the year is approaching rapidly (fiscal, I mean it’s March).  I will be running at max capacity through July and without rest.  It’s fulfilling and I feel accomplished and useful and bright.

It’s like school used to be only now I get paid!

It’s St. Patrick’s day.  I’m going to an arcade today. Woot.